My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
