o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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