It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
