Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
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