New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
