I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
