Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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