I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize