Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
