If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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