cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
A bitchslap is in order.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
