Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
