'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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