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chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
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