Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
