just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
