Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
