Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
