I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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