Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
