I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
