Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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