I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
