Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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