Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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