there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
