Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
