Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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