Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
