I think im going to throw up on grandma
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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