If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
