I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
