I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
