Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
