hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
