i would punch a child for taco bell
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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