I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
