Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
