1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
