so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
