in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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