How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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