At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
