Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
