woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
