Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
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She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
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I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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