She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You are a genius and a whore.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
