I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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