just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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