I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
