i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Randomize
