:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
