On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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