How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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