i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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