so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
