a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
