I feel like I'm in dance class right now
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
