No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
