chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
